OPENING UP ABOUT MY MISCARRIAGE
I have been thinking about sharing my experience of going through a miscarriage for awhile now, and I am finally doing it because it is the anniversary of finding out! Only a few family and friends know about our miscarriage because it wasn't something I wanted to share. If I could describe a miscarriage in one word, I think that it would be heartbreaking. It is emotionally, mentally, and physically exhausting. I felt so discouraged, and I was mad at myself. I felt that it was my fault. But if you are going through one, or end up going through one, remember that it isn't your fault! I think it took me along time to realize that, even though people told me that it wasn't. Miscarriage is hard, but I am so grateful to have experienced such a trial.
Okay, so it was May 11th, 2017 and I was getting ready to go teach my water aerobics class. And before I got my swimsuit on, I was like... maybe I will take a pregnancy test. We had 1 left in our closet, and so I took it, and while I waited I got dressed. And when I looked at it, I thought I was crazy. That line was so faint you could barely see it, but it was there! We also weren't trying but we weren't preventing it either. We just figured it will happen when it is suppose to. I was so excited, and I couldn't believe it! So I went to hydro, and all I could think about was that there was a baby in my belly! Like, the hour was going by so slow! Joseph and I were sharing a car at the time, and I had went to pick him up from work at around 7:15 ish. And on our way home, I low key was just like "Hey, we should go buy some more pregnancy tests" and he just replied with "Why? We have some at home?" but I didn't want to tell him I took the last one but I also maybe thought I was crazy! So I just started to smile and he kept asking me why I was smiling! I remember telling him that I took a test and there was faint line and I wasn't sure. So we got home, and he also saw it! So then we were just so excited! We went to the store, and no joke bought 12 tests! And every test we took (which were hours apart throughout 3 days) the line seemed to get a little darker! I was seriously so excited! Like, I was already looking at baby stuff on Pinterest as I'm sure a lot of people do! I even made Joseph pee on one to make sure that it wasn't a joke! And now that will forever be an inside joke because we were laughing so hard! I also am not sure how far along I was, pretty early on so maybe like 4 or 5 weeks.
Mother's Day happened to be the 14th and I figured that that was the perfect time to tell my mom she was going to be a grandma! So we wrapped her up a pacifier in some tissue paper and put it in a bag. All day I was so nervous and debating if we really should tell her then and Joseph kept telling me that we were doing it. Like, my heart was beating all day! I did have a video my mom opening it, but it isn't loading correctly so it's okay, there is uglying crying going on! I never watch it anymore because it just makes me cry!
So obviously we were so so so excited! Like, who wouldn't be! We had basically been married for 2 years which is what I had told Joseph I wanted to have with just him and then we could start trying. So I went an entire week just having a grand time! I was so happy, and my spirit was up!
I did start to spot a little, which I thought was normal. I had looked it up and it didn't seem to be anything alarming. It wasn't a lot, just tiny amounts.
The morning of May 18, 2017 I woke up with the WORST cramps I have ever had. It was probably around 2 in the morning, but I am not sure. My periods were always extremely heavy, and I was use to having bad cramps. But these were gut clenching. I sat up in bed for a minute, and then realized that my underwear was wet. I got up and ran to the bathroom, and I was (TMI) streaming blood. I sat on the toilet and kept wiping myself, and it wasn't coming clean. It had switched between blood clots to free stream, and just kept going back and forth. I remember sitting there crying because I didn't know what to do. I honestly don't even know if I stopped crying the rest of the night. I was in so much pain. I can't even tell you. Like, it was unbearable. I crawled to the bathroom floor and laid there crying. Joseph tried to help me as much as he could by getting me pads, water, heating pads, and whatever else we thought would help. I ended up getting back on the toilet and just sitting there for what felt like hours with a pillow against the sink so I could lay my head down. Eventually it seemed to slow down, and I put a pad in my underwear and towels in my bed and just cuddled with Joseph. I am pretty sure I cried so hard I ran out of tears. I don't even know what medicine I took to help with the cramps, but they didn't go away.
That morning I had to work, and I was so exhausted. I don't know if I have ever been that tired in my life. I had tried to see if anyone could possibly work for me but no one could. And I knew deep down it was a miscarriage, but maybe there was a chance it wasn't. So I went to work, which I sat down the entire time unless there was a customer in. I remember going many times into the bathroom and just sitting there minutes at a time to just let the blood go somewhere else other than my pants. I would occasionally get up and walk around, but I was so light headed from the amount of blood I was losing. I don't how know long I worked for. I'm pretty sure it was 10-6 because I think I remember closing early to go teach hydro. All I know was that it was the longest day of my life. I went to the pool to teach water aerobics, but I didn't get in. Thank goodness I only had one lady there. As I walked back and forth along the pool, I got so light headed I thought I was going to pass out. That hour seemed like it never ended. I also kept loosing balance on the wet tile floor. I still vividly remember trying to carry on a conversation with her while being so light headed, it felt like I was spinning in circles. Finally though the hour was over, and the drive home seemed just as long. I don't even remember what happened after this. Like, the story just ends.
I remember getting home, and I had such big blood clots that I decided I would put them into a baggie just incase I ended up going to the hospital. That way I could show them.
I bleed for a good 5 or so days, and then it seemed to lighten up. I was so sick and I felt so weak. Moving around was hard, and just doing day to day things were hard. I has no energy and no motivation to do anything. I did take another pregnancy test on one of those days after, and the line was getting lighter. And eventually the line had completely disappeared. The picture on the left you can barely see the line, and the on of the right it is almost completely gone.
So obviously we were so so so excited! Like, who wouldn't be! We had basically been married for 2 years which is what I had told Joseph I wanted to have with just him and then we could start trying. So I went an entire week just having a grand time! I was so happy, and my spirit was up!
I did start to spot a little, which I thought was normal. I had looked it up and it didn't seem to be anything alarming. It wasn't a lot, just tiny amounts.
The morning of May 18, 2017 I woke up with the WORST cramps I have ever had. It was probably around 2 in the morning, but I am not sure. My periods were always extremely heavy, and I was use to having bad cramps. But these were gut clenching. I sat up in bed for a minute, and then realized that my underwear was wet. I got up and ran to the bathroom, and I was (TMI) streaming blood. I sat on the toilet and kept wiping myself, and it wasn't coming clean. It had switched between blood clots to free stream, and just kept going back and forth. I remember sitting there crying because I didn't know what to do. I honestly don't even know if I stopped crying the rest of the night. I was in so much pain. I can't even tell you. Like, it was unbearable. I crawled to the bathroom floor and laid there crying. Joseph tried to help me as much as he could by getting me pads, water, heating pads, and whatever else we thought would help. I ended up getting back on the toilet and just sitting there for what felt like hours with a pillow against the sink so I could lay my head down. Eventually it seemed to slow down, and I put a pad in my underwear and towels in my bed and just cuddled with Joseph. I am pretty sure I cried so hard I ran out of tears. I don't even know what medicine I took to help with the cramps, but they didn't go away.
That morning I had to work, and I was so exhausted. I don't know if I have ever been that tired in my life. I had tried to see if anyone could possibly work for me but no one could. And I knew deep down it was a miscarriage, but maybe there was a chance it wasn't. So I went to work, which I sat down the entire time unless there was a customer in. I remember going many times into the bathroom and just sitting there minutes at a time to just let the blood go somewhere else other than my pants. I would occasionally get up and walk around, but I was so light headed from the amount of blood I was losing. I don't how know long I worked for. I'm pretty sure it was 10-6 because I think I remember closing early to go teach hydro. All I know was that it was the longest day of my life. I went to the pool to teach water aerobics, but I didn't get in. Thank goodness I only had one lady there. As I walked back and forth along the pool, I got so light headed I thought I was going to pass out. That hour seemed like it never ended. I also kept loosing balance on the wet tile floor. I still vividly remember trying to carry on a conversation with her while being so light headed, it felt like I was spinning in circles. Finally though the hour was over, and the drive home seemed just as long. I don't even remember what happened after this. Like, the story just ends.
I remember getting home, and I had such big blood clots that I decided I would put them into a baggie just incase I ended up going to the hospital. That way I could show them.
I bleed for a good 5 or so days, and then it seemed to lighten up. I was so sick and I felt so weak. Moving around was hard, and just doing day to day things were hard. I has no energy and no motivation to do anything. I did take another pregnancy test on one of those days after, and the line was getting lighter. And eventually the line had completely disappeared. The picture on the left you can barely see the line, and the on of the right it is almost completely gone.
We sadly informed our families while it was happening of course. I just kind of brushed it off and acted like it wasn't a big deal anyways. Even though deep down I was heartbroken. I didn't go to the doctors, because I figured they wouldn't do much for me anyways. I pretended for weeks that everything was okay, and the only one who saw how devastated I was, was Joseph. I cried every time we started kissing in bed, because I didn't want to have sex. It took a long time for me to heal from that. I remember crying to him that I wanted a baby so bad, but then started crying even more because I was scared to have one. I didn't want to go through that pain again. And this when on for months. And I mean months. But time does heal things. And eventually it does become a memory. I remember everyone was getting pregnant and posting it on social media, and I couldn't say anything. I didn't get to share my excitement with everyone else, because there was nothing exciting to share anymore.
I know how hard it is, and I don't know why I felt so inspired to share this. This post has been sitting in as a draft for months, because I questioned if this was really something I wanted to share. I haven't shared it until now because for some reason it just didn't seem like I was done writing it, or it wasn't the right time. I really don't know but it is finally done, it isn't perfect but it is done.
Infertility is something that we didn't struggle with for years like some people do. It wasn't a miscarriage where I had to bury a baby, but it still was a miscarriage. It is just the fact that we lost something so special and sacred. I believe that if you are to get pregnant, you will whenever the time is right! And if you can't I think adoption is just as awesome! I know that my miscarriage happened for a reason! That may seem silly to say to some people, but I really think so for one reason or another! And remember to ask for priesthood blessings! Joseph gave me tons, and I am so grateful for them and for him! He was such a help and support through all of it! On May 28th I received my Patriarchal Blessing. One line of it says, "You and your husband will have the opportunity to bring children into this world" and hearing that after miscarrying 10 days earlier brought so much comfort, joy, and and hope. And I am so grateful that we got pregnant shortly after! I am so deeply grateful for this rainbow baby we are about to have! Joseph and I couldn't be more excited! Like, he is almost here, and it is just crazy to think where we were almost a year ago verses where we are now! Miscarriage is a hard topic to talk about, but it is so important! I am so grateful that I went through this trial, because it makes me so much more grateful for this pregnancy. 💖
I hear ya girl! Those cramps are. The. Worst. Thanks for sharing ! Miscarriages are one of the hardest things to go through.
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